Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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