I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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