my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
