New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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