he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
