I cannot find my penis.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
