sarcasm needs its own font
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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