My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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