everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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