I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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