i may or may not be watching the land before time
I could make wine with my vomit
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
