Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
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