You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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