the condom got lost in my hair
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
