I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I don't deserve a penis
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
