Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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