I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
