i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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