How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
