I met the friendliest cop last night
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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