I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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