Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
