dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
