My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
