dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
