i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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