i would punch a child for taco bell
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
