I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
