i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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