dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
