someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
