Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
