and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
