I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
