so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
