Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize