he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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