return my video game
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
