So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize