I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
