So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
