I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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