Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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