Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You made out with two different species that night
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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