You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
