I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
