your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you will always have a special place in my vag
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize