so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
