Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
