What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize