Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
don't judge my taste in strippers
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
