I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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