I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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