I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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