well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize