Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
