Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
