this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
