Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
